When I started to meditate a few years ago, I realized how often I would have conversations and not really be listening to the other person. More frequently than I would like to admit, I would wait until the “airwaves” cleared and then I would say my piece. It wasn’t that I was not hearing their words, I just wasn’t fully there mentally. My mental focus was more on formulating my response. It’s really amazing how I was able to get away with it for so long. Well, that might not be entirely true. It may be one reason why I struggled with conversations or meetings in which my idea was not favored. It truly was a challenge for me.
The “light bulb” moment came a few months after I started meditating in 2018. I was having a conversation with a key stakeholder on a particular project and during that meeting I caught myself thinking of the next thing to say. You know, the next thing that would thoroughly convince them that my idea was the best and most promising. So, when the other person stopped talking, I realized that I couldn’t really remember the exact things they were talking about. I was so worried about my next words to convince them that I totally missed what they were trying to tell me. They could have told me that they were on board and I would have totally missed it. They could have told me they would give me a million dollars for the idea and I may have missed it.
This person was trying to be heard and understood. Embarrassingly, I had only cared about convincing them that my idea was the best path forward. But, in reality, for my idea to work for everyone, I really had to be open to feedback, especially from a stakeholder. If I truly cared about my idea, my focus needed to be on hearing and understanding the perspective that they were trying to convey. Since they were not being heard and understood, we both were not able to get to a point where we both agreed on a path forward.
Incredibly, I pivoted on the fly during that conversation back in 2018. I decided that I would just throw out my words that I had worked on formulating while the other person was talking. I would just sit there and truly listen. Listening by not only nodding but by asking follow up questions. The follow up questions I asked allowed me to really hear and understand them. These questions helped me connect with them. It became a more fruitful conversation since I was able to truly hear their concerns and also their praise of the idea. I am not convinced I would have even heard their praise had I not decided to listen more intently.
This type of listening is more than just hearing the words someone is saying, it’s truly seeking to understand them. This method of listening is referred to as active listening. Amazingly, my body language shows whether I hear and understand them. Yes, body language can give away if you truly are there or not. By nodding a fraction of a second late, the other person can pick up on the fact that you are not in tune to the conversation. This blew my mind when I first heard of that! But, it’s more than body language, it’s asking follow up questions to clarify or build on the ideas that they are sharing. Active listening is definitely in line with our innate human desire to be heard and understood. Heard + Understood = I care for you. Heard + Understood = Love.
